Welcoming a Sibling
Congratulations! You’re adding another family member!
But let’s be honest this transition from one child to two (more ore) is not simple. Not only are you the parents dividing your time and resources, but your older child(red) is also processing this significant change!
Here are my tips and tools for parents to help young children become big siblings.
Babywearing
Babywearing is by far one of the most helpful tools for all parents! It's just short of essential for parents of two or more young children and will make the suggestions in this blog accessible!
Babywearing gives babies proximity and movement to help them stay happy, while parents get both hands free for attending to sibling(s) and other necessities.
Partners can wear the new baby while the sibling(s) get alone time with the birthing parent, or you can even wear the older sibling while caring for the new baby(ies)! So many possibilities with baby carriers!
I love a stretchy wrap for those early days, but many people find them a little overwhelming. I can teach you how to wear one, or you can opt for a simple newborn buckle carrier like the Ergo Embrace.
If you already have a love affair with carriers and are looking for a wrap or other beautiful babywearing options, check out my favourite locally owned shop, Little Zen One!
Making Changes:
If you're anticipating restructuring routines like bedtime, bathtime, meal time, toileting etc. or changing which parent/ caregiver will be responsible for various parts of your child(ren)'s daily activities and routines, start making those changes as early in pregnancy as possible. Introduce them gradually so there's time for everyone to adjust.
Avoid major transitions like toileting & new bed/ bedroom at the same time baby arrives. These big changes happening all at the same time are a recipe for stress! The key is creating manageable routines for this intense and highly emotional time.
Play Learning for Connection & Processing:
Play games that help children investigate their feelings and boundaries. Here are just three ideas that you can play with!
• Toy sorting your older child(ren)'s toys with them
Here’s how you play. Identify two categories:
One category consists of things that are special to your child and possibly inappropriate/ unsafe for a baby (i.e. Lego is not safe for baby sister, and it's special to older sister).
The other category consists of things that the older sibling would be happy to share and are relatively appropriate to be near an infant.
Ask your child to point out things for each category or ask them to bring you several things from each category and talk about each toy and why it would be okay or not okay to share them with the new baby(ies). Let them decide what they want to share... it's okay if they don't want to share anything!
This game helps children understand that nothing is being taken away from them, and they don't have to share everything with their new sibling(s). It also teaches them that some things are unsafe or could hurt the baby.
• Baby Dolls
Another play favourite - if you haven't already, introduce baby dolls and play "taking care of baby." Each of you gets a doll, and you act out everyday routines that may happen in the postpartum time. You can even show your child(ren) how you care for the doll and still care for them. There are so many creative options with dolls!
• Use the Arts
Connect & process what's about to happen for your family with the ARTS!
Read books and sing songs about growing families. Dance/ rough house, paint, draw, write, and do crafts that allow you to connect to your child(ren) and incorporate the topic of growing families into your conversations while doing your activity together. You'll be amazed at how emotionally open children will be when communicating through art!
Upon baby(ies)'s arrival!
Once the new sibling(s) has arrived, create a positive association with the family's newest member(s) and opportunities for special connection time with the birthing parent and the new baby(ies). Try not to blame the new baby(ies) for the lack of individual time with the birthing parent.
In the early days, I recommend that the birther and new baby set up camp in the bedroom and partners bring older siblings in for connection time. Most children associate the bedroom with sleep or understand it's a quieter space.
Have the older sibling(s) do "show and tell" while you're feeding or doing skin-to-skin with the baby(ies), or allow them to be part of feedings by giving them their sippy cup and letting them snuggle in, too.
Encourage them to get curious about the baby's feeding and care, even if they're a little loud and rough. (Newborns are surprisingly tolerant and resilient and sleep through anything if they have a full tummy!) Hand them that doll again and have them care for and feed their baby as you care for and feed yours.
Get them moving:
If your older child(ren) is more kinetic than curious, get them outside for lots of run-around time or create physical indoor activities like dance parties, jumping on the bed, jumping off the couch into a pile of pillows or an obstacle course.
Releasing pent-up energy is so helpful for emotional regulation.
My kids loved it when I sat nursing the baby and took pictures of them in crazy positions while jumping.
Tire those cutie pies out!
Expect big feelings!
Draw your older child(ren) in. Teach your child a phrase to help them communicate that they need (want) you. Words like "I need love," "I need a hug," "I'm sad," and "I would like your attention now" are simple and direct and may help avoid mischievous behaviour or a meltdown. Get creative based on your child(ren)'s communication sophistication.
If your hands are full at the time of the request, set an expectation of what will happen and when and try one of the other ideas to provide distraction in the meantime!
You may also experience "regressions" with developmental milestones you thought you'd already passed! Focus less on getting them "back on track" and more on connection and having them feel heard and safe.
"This, too, shall pass!" (the most annoying and true phrases ever spoken!)
A cautionary tale:
Sometimes, we get so worried about tending to our older child(ren) and connecting with them that we lose track of the new baby(ies)'s needs.
Feeds can get accidentally missed or delayed, causing poor weight gain for the baby(ies) or decreased milk supply, clogged ducts or mastitis for the nursing parent. It feels impossible to slow down with toddlers, young children, and newborns, which is why you need to lean on your village!
Be in touch for more sibling transition ideas and postpartum support!
